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This is a relatively spoiler-free review of Transformers: The Last Knight. But what is there to spoil, really?
As I type this first sentence, I am combing my mind to think of what I can say about Transformers: The Last Knight. The fifth movie in the Transformers franchise (and not the last with the recently announced Transformers Universe: Bumblebee), we find Earth yet again in the middle of a global conflict between the Autobots and Decepticons, aided by our favourite Transformer sympathizer Cade Yeager and a few series newcomers with some familiar faces peppered here and there throughout the THREE HOURS AND NINE MINUTES you’ll be spending watching this film. Optimus Prime has left the planet in search of his creator, and most governments on Earth have declared Transformers illegal. An organization known as the TRF (Transformers Reaction Force) has been put together to weed out illegal Transformers that are now crash landing on Earth regularly.
Early on in the movie, a group of children discovers one of these landed ships. They are attacked by an automated TRF robot but are subsequently saved by Izabella (with a “Zee”, she proclaims, for fuck’s sake). Cade, who is searching for these hunted Transformers, finds this group of children and helps them escape, and also takes Izabella under his wing. Before leaving, he manages to locate the downed ship and finds its pilot Transformer dying inside. The Transformer bestows him a special medallion, which he urges Cade is of the utmost importance. And that’s just the beginning.
I’ll be honest, the plot was so convoluted and difficult to follow, I needed to look up a synopsis to complete this review.
Let’s all have a moment of honesty here. The plot of a Transformers film makes just about as much sense as the robot transformations do. We don’t spend our hard-earned coin to watch these films for the story – we watch them for the purely delicious eye candy that is giant robot battles and explosions, or at least I do. The story is more like a secondary bonus, if it has one at all. Easily the best story in the franchise, in my opinion, is the first film with Shia Labeouf. When I watched it for the first time I was close to Sam Witwicky’s age and identified with two of his life challenges – the innate and overpowering desire to own a car at age 16, and being madly in love with a girl who did not share the same feelings. While the film was not utterly fantastic or memorable, I felt it had a unique and relatable coming of age story, and I had a blast watching it. The following sequels, however, just declined in quality (two sore memories that stick are Sam’s mom’s obsession with pot cookies and the anatomically-correct Transformer equipped with a wrecking ballsack in Revenge of the Fallen). The main character switch up with Mark Wahlberg as Cade Yeager is a welcomed change, but not enough to recreate the magic from the first film.
(The above image is from the first Transformers released in 2007)
So, what does The Last Knight offer that we haven’t seen before? Not much.
The series’ staple big-budget action scenes are found here in full force, and there are some truly edge-of-your-seat moments when you’re watching your favorite Transformers battle it out to the death. The downside of the action aspect is that The Last Knight severely lacks the presence of Optimus, which is unfortunate because some of the best moments occur while he’s on screen. You know those epic scenes in the first trailer with Optimus wielding a badass longsword? Unfortunately these scenes are few and far between.
The plot is by far the most shoddy and hole-ridden compared to previous Transformers films, with some very, very strange narrative choices. Maybe Michael Bay wasn’t quite satisfied with his character roster, which gave him the idea of revisiting characters from previous films. Did anyone miss Josh Duhamel? Well he’s in this one too! How about John Turturro’s character? He’s now in Cuba where most of his scenes involve him spewing plot devices to further the story (also as a side note, I love John Turturro and think he’s a fantastic actor, but he’s just not given much to work with here – nobody fucks with the Turturro). Then Michael Bay realized the film needed actors with some Oscar power behind them in the form of Anthony Hopkins and a cameo from Stanley Tucci, who doesn’t even reprise his role from Age of Extinction. Some of the scene choices are also incredibly puzzling – one of which occurs in a submarine with an impromptu romantic dinner put together in the midst of utter chaos that would’ve resulted in the heroes’ likely death if they were to continue eating à la carte sushi while their submarine was destroyed around them. There are also blaring continuity errors – how does Starscream’s head make its way into Cade’s junkyard after being completely obliterated in Dark of the Moon? Why does Optimus Prime claim to have not heard Bumblebee’s voice “since Cyberton fell”, when at the end of the first film, Bumblebee had regained his voice? Not only that, but we witness Bumblebee ripping a voice box from his throat when it’s deemed defective, and we don’t see him replace it with another. How can he speak now? That’s just the tip of the iceberg, without delving too deeply into spoilers.
Did I also mention this film is THREE HOURS AND NINE MINUTES? Yes, yes I did.
All in all, should you watch Transformers: The Last Knight? It depends purely on your own personal reasoning. I always enjoy the giant robot battles and expect Transformers films to lack a good story. This one disappointed me, however, and sank far lower than the rest. If you’re a hardcore Transformers fan, you may enjoy what Michael Bay has put together here. If you’re like me and watch the movies for the explosive action sequences, there just isn’t enough here in terms of a story that compliments the action, so I find it hard to recommend for spending your money on.
This Transgarbage needs to be taken out to the incinerator.
FINAL REVIEW: 3.5/10
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